I've just found out I'm not his first wife | Life and style
Private livesLife and style This article is more than 16 years oldI've just found out I'm not his first wife
This article is more than 16 years oldMy husband was married before but never told me and lied about it on our marriage certificate. I'm afraid that if I ask him to explain, he will get angryMy husband and I are in our late 30s. We married four years ago and have a child. His sister recently told me that this is not his first marriage, as I had thought, but he and I still haven't discussed it. It was in his early 20s and they were divorced within five years. My first problem is a legal one: on our marriage certificate it says he is single, but it should say divorced. To my knowledge he never declared this or produced his decree absolute when we applied to marry. Has he done anything illegal? Second, he has lied - he told me: "I never wanted to marry anyone before I met you." He is anti-religion, but I have since learned that his first marriage was in church. He denied me the chance to get married in one as he said it would be hypocritical of him. I'm not religious, but it would have been nice to get married in the same church as some of my family members. He has always been deep and never talks about his past. He isn't in touch with his many siblings, apart from this sister. He is the type of man who would clam up and probably accuse me of snooping if I asked about his past, rather than explaining why he has never told me that he was married before. His sister felt I had a right to know. If he finds out she told me, he will probably never speak to her again and I don't want to spoil his only good sibling relationship. I know he would be mad at me for finding all this out. Is it worth mentioning it and opening up a can of worms? Or should I just forget it and get on with our happy family life?
It's best to be upfront
I married without telling my wife that I had been married before, because I foolishly thought that she wouldn't want me if she knew. Six months into the marriage, I told her my story and naturally she was surprised, but she accepted it. We discussed it in detail at the time, then never talked about it again. I felt relieved, stopped having bad dreams, and loved her even more. Try to understand some of the reasons why your husband didn't tell you about his first marriage. You say you are happy and it sounds as if you and your husband love each other very much. Sit down, open a bottle of wine and tell him straight out that you know and don't care. Reassure him that you accept what has happened and love him regardless. Life is too short to be hung up on the past, but we all need to be open about our mistakes.
Pete, via email
The issue won't just go away
This problem will weigh on your mind for ever if you do nothing about it, but your husband will also be much happier if you sort it out. It sounds as though your husband wanted to make a fresh start, and as a result, has neglected to share seemingly crucial information about his past with you. It is quite possible that he did get a divorce. In this case, you still need to take legal advice to find out whether or not your marriage is valid, and whether or not your husband faces any penalty for what he has done. These are all things that can be resolved.
Your husband is likely to feel sheepish for being found out, not to mention angry at being cornered. Nevertheless, you need to have a serious discussion about how to rectify the situation; ignoring it is not an option.
JT, via email
Take the risk and confront him
Your fears about your husband's possible reaction suggest you feel that he is emotionally closed. Despite this, the burden of (apparently) keeping his first marriage secret may explain his current temperament. If he is given the opportunity to express his feelings, this could bring you closer, or at least make it easier for you to handle his prickly nature. On the other hand, it could destroy his relationship with his sister and exacerabate his tendency to be reticient about his emotions.
Despite this, you owe it to yourself to find out why he has concealed the truth.
RA, via email
Your marriage may not be legal
Are you sure that your husband was legally divorced when you married him? Does his sister have any proof of this? Has she seen the decree absolute, or has he merely told her that he got a divorce? You need to know the truth so that you can be sure that he hasn't married you bigamously.
It is also a matter for concern that you seem so reluctant to talk to him; it's almost as if you are scared to do so. Ask yourself why you are afraid to ask him about something so basic, which he should have told you about long before you married.
AB, via email
Let sleeping dogs lie
There is no reason to believe that your husband lied about not wanting to marry anyone until he met you. Pressure from his first wife or other family members may have influenced his decision to go through with something that he would not freely have chosen for himself.
In my early 20s, I married a man who was abusive. The relationship ravaged my finances, self-esteem and health and made me miserable for five years. After a difficult and costly divorce, I find that I am doomed continually to revisit that unhappy time, by family and friends who cannot understand that I don't want to talk about him any more.
Forcing your husband to relive what must have been a deeply painful episode in his life, which he clearly wants to forget, will hurt both of you. Enjoy the happy family life you are creating together now and let him put the past behind him.
Name and address withheld
What the expert thinks
Linda Blair
You can't forget something completely once you have been made aware of it. And when you learn something that causes you to restructure your perception of the past or to reformulate a relationship, it will be virtually impossible to forget about it even briefly until you have resolved the questions raised.
Before you decide what to do, I would like to address the three specific concerns in your letter. You ask whether your marriage certificate is valid and whether your husband did anything illegal when he claimed to be single. I'm not a lawyer, so I recommend you contact a solicitor or your local Citizens' Advice Bureau and put these questions to an expert. My own investigations suggest that it will depend on what your husband intended when he stated that he was single.
Second, you are concerned about spoiling your husband's relationship with his sister. Don't be. The only people who can sully that relationship are the two of them, regardless of what you say. Finally, you believe your husband lied when he claimed he never wanted to marry anyone before you, and that he wasn't being straight when he explained why he didn't want to get married in church. If you confront him about these issues, you are liable to miss the chance to talk through what is really important. Anyway, it may be true that he never wanted to marry anyone but you. Perhaps he felt duty-bound to marry his first wife. And no doubt he did believe it would be hypocritical to marry you in church, even if he didn't give you the reasons why.
The crucial issue here is trust and you should focus on that. You must wonder whether you can trust him to tell you the truth ever again, and why he apparently doesn't trust you to love him despite his past.
He may argue that he never lied, merely withheld the truth. But that in itself can be construed as setting up a potential lie, as it increases the likelihood that it will become necessary to lie in order to keep the secret.
Also, the reasons for behaving in this way rarely emanate from mature love. People usually keep things back for selfish reasons - they want to be liked or to retain power in a relationship. They may underestimate the ability of the other person to handle the truth.
You and your husband need to talk and you can approach the subject in a number of ways. You could ask your sister-in-law to tell him that she has spoken to you. This is the most appropriate option because she should have insisted that he talk to you in the first place, rather than telling you herself. If she won't talk to him, then you must do so. You may prefer to write him a letter first, so you can be sure of getting across what you actually want to say. That would also give him time to consider his response. But if you prefer to talk directly, arrange to do so when your child is elsewhere. Choose a setting that will encourage you both to stay reasonably calm - you could book a table at a restaurant. Be direct but reassuring and keep in mind your overall aim - to start forging a real sense of trust between you.
Next week: Life seems to have left me behind
I am a 27-year-old man and have never had a significant sexual partner or relationship amounting to full intercourse. Apart from a three-month period a few years ago, I have always been single. I only embarked upon that relationship out of the fear of never experiencing one - it never amounted to anything serious and we parted by mutual agreement. I recently acknowledged to myself that my lack of intimacy is due to my homosexuality, which I have been reluctant to accept as I had a strict religious upbringing. However, after coming out to a select few of my friends, I didn't feel like a "new me". Instead, I felt just the same, as reluctant to embark on a relationship with a man as I was with a woman.
I feel that I have never developed a healthy approach to relationships, love or life in general. In the past, I have let these issues worry me to the point of depression and interfere with my studies and friendships.
I believe I have underachieved in my career and life goals - as I get older, I find myself lagging socially and economically behind my peers. I seem to be isolating myself almost without effort and each week I have fewer social avenues to explore. I need to turn my life around. I have returned to part-time study in an effort to improve my prospects, yet worry that I will fall back into similar patterns of thought and let my studies and life slip through my fingers once again.
How do I begin to get the life I want?
· Private Lives appears every Thursday. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER.
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